Tuesday, June 27, 2006

confused confessionals

lately i've had a thing for charmed. that's right--the show they show on tnt at 4:00 in the afternoon. i am despicable. which leads me to the overwhelming question: have i become the following?

they (the second-handers) have no concern for facts, ideas, work. they're concerned only with people. they don't ask: 'is this true?' they ask: 'is this what others think is true?' not to judge, but to repeat. not to do, but to give the impression of doing. not creation, but show. not ability, but friendship. not merit, but pull. what would happen to the world without those who do, think, work, produce? those are the egotists. you don't think through another's brain and you don't work through another's hands. when you suspend your faculty of independent judgment, you suspend consciousness. to stop consciousness is to stop life. second' handers have no sense of reality. their reality is not within them, but somehwere in that space which divides one human body from another. not an entity, but a relation--anchored to nothing...Opinion without a rational process. motion without brakes or motor. power without responsibility. the second-hander acts, but the source of his actions is scattered in every other living person. it's everywhere and nowhere and you can't reason with him. he's not open to reason. you can't speak to him--he can't hear. you're tried by an empty bench. a blind mass running amuck, to crush you without sense or purpose.

i guess i am most scared that i have somehow suspended my faculty of independent judgement. it makes me want to avoid all reviews of film, book, or art, and build my independent voice. so much so that the economist scares me, the ny times scares me, and online debate scares me. what do i think? i don't know. am i regurgitating mindless babble collected in the collective graveyards of dissent and opinion, consent and contestings? am i even sincere in what i think, or do i vomit arguments and debates for the sake of opposition and protest?

whatever it is, i am still disappointed that i secretly dream of living a life like the three sisters on charmed...