Wednesday, March 22, 2006

ad hoc vs. post hoc

we are morning the loss of our dearly departed, our recently returned, our one and only ryan glen clark. we don't know why, but he decided to go back to utah, back to the daily grind, back to freshman and blond highlights. can't say i miss him though: a couple of months with a large room to myself is enough to cure any sensation of loss. but, i have lost a partner in the search for the best nyc cheese cake (although i think we already found our champion). and i have no one to talk to at night, so i write web logs instead. in fact, right now i'm considering a return to my room; however, only bills, laundry, and taxes await me. so i stay out here in the living room and continue to write incoherently. i don't even know what i'm doing--perhaps i'm creating a chautauqua. would you like to join my chautauqua? or, maybe i need a roomate back so i will stop writing nonsense--or is it a chautauqua?

either way, i need to put off sleep as long as possible: the sooner i go to sleep the sooner i must wake up. but i do have the weekend and i think peter and i might sell our souls and go to ikea again. i haven't quite decided, but i don't think i like ikea. maybe because its slowly taking over the world. or maybe because i don't like a majority of things. or maybe because i get lost whenever i am in one of their buildings. or maybe i hate all things swedish. or maybe i just like beginning sentences with the words 'or maybe.' or maybe not.

i've always thought maybe is a strange word. write maybe on a piece of paper, close your eyes, and then open them and only look at the word 'maybe.' strange. its probably swedish. and thats probably why i hate indecision. because i hate all things swedish (does anything other than ikea and army knives even come from sweden?).

did i mention that i spoke with andrew t. wright on the phone? he wants to know who keeps commenting and then deleting his or her comments. i told him i don't know and i don't care.

i have this other friend, andrew taylor, who is in iraq. i haven't heard from him in a while. except for this voice message he left me. but i can't call him back because he is in kirkuk or somewhere.

ok. its now 11:38. if you are still reading this, you should have stopped six paragraphs ago.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

unprecedented precincts

i can't help myself. even though i have no permission, i'm going to post an email i got from a jerk friend. please indulge me in this. i will present the email in its entirety . please enjoy. (p.s. this email is from skinny, and i had to live with him once for an entire year--or at least a school year)

So here I sit preparing for my nitely voyage to the Maceys. It’s now 11:19 p.m. which means I have approximately fifteen minutes before I make my way to that happy place to begin fixing the end caps and making sure the paper aisle is properly stocked and faced. It’s an exciting life I lead, I must admit. I’m sure you’re all quite jealous. If any of you would like to know what’s on sale I’d be happy to tell you. Let me just say that there is quite a deal on cup of noodles these days. I’d buy some while they still last if I were you.

Speaking of dating, let me tell you about my new plan. It’s spring time you know, that means love is in the air here at the B.Y. As I’ve renewed my determination to date more regularly, I’ve come up with a system to make my dating experience more effective (after all, aren’t we always striving to become more efficient) and enjoyable. Here’s the plan, pretend I see or meet a nice girl here on campus. My inclination is to ask her on a date right? Well, from now on, before I ask her out I’ll give her this survey to fill out. That should help in the weeding out process I should think. Or say somebody wants to set me up with their cousin, roommate, sister-in-law friend’s-mother’s-cousin’s-best friend, etc. I’ll just give them a survey to give to said person. Then when I get it back I’ll make my decision. Now realizing I can’t be too picky, I’ve decided to put 80% as the cutoff level.
Anything below and I’m afraid they miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime.

So, after hours and hours of collaboration with the best minds this
generation has to offer, this is what I’ve come up with. I must note that
these questions are indeed in order of importance.

Survey—Are You Qualified?
(the correct answer is in parenthesis)
1. Do you like the San Antonio Spurs? (yes)
2. Is Greg Maddux the greatest right-handed pitcher ever? (yes)
3. Would you enjoy going on a date with public transportation? (yes)
4. Do you want a huge wedding ring? (no)
5. Do you or have you ever studied in the periodical section of the library?
6. Do you want more than six pictures at your wedding? (no)
7a. Would you ever kiss anybody in a public setting? (no)
7b. Hold hands in public? (no)
7c. Hug in public? (no)
8. Do you watch the Bachelor, American Idol, or Simpsons? (no)
9. Do you consider S. Eliason to be one of the greatest musical geniuses of
all time? (yes)
10. Would you be offended if your date watched SportsCenter on a date? (no)
11. Do you hate the Yankees, Real Madrid, Chelsea FC, Patriots, and Kobe
Bryant? (yes)
12. Can you appreciate a finely stocked grocery aisle? (yes)
13. Can you tell me what aisle the tissues are on in the Spanish Fork
Maceys? (yes)
14. Would you be offended if we ate at Wendy’s on every other date? (no)
15. Is Robin Hood your favorite Disney movie of all time (Yes, although The
Lion King or Beauty and the Beast are also acceptable answers).
16. Have you ever seen My Fair Lady? (yes)
17. Do you periodically question the sanity of Stephen Frandsen? (yes)
18. Have you ever watched a folk dance performance? (yes)
19. Is it really easier to be a Utah Mormon in comparison to a Mormon
outside of Utah? (no)
20. Do you despise California and everything therewith associated, excepting
the sundry LDS temples there? (yes)
21. Do you know the last time the Cubs won the World Series? (yes)
22. Is Peyton Manning your favorite NFL player? (yes)
23. Do you mind if I spend five hours a day playing Madden Football or NBA
Live? (no)
24. Do you get annoyed when people yell on the telephone? (no)

Thank you for your time.

Friday, March 03, 2006

please pass

please excuse this post. i want my name to show up on a google search. and i want it to be on this web log.

stephen frandsen stephen frandsen stephen frandsen stephen frandsen stephen frandsen stephen frandsen stephen frandsen stephen frandsen stephen frandsen stephen frandsen stephen frandsen stephen frandsen stephen frandsen stephen frandsen stephen frandsen