i can't help myself. even though i have no permission, i'm going to post an email i got from a jerk friend. please indulge me in this. i will present the email in its entirety . please enjoy. (p.s. this email is from skinny, and i had to live with him once for an entire year--or at least a school year)
So here I sit preparing for my nitely voyage to the Maceys. It’s now 11:19 p.m. which means I have approximately fifteen minutes before I make my way to that happy place to begin fixing the end caps and making sure the paper aisle is properly stocked and faced. It’s an exciting life I lead, I must admit. I’m sure you’re all quite jealous. If any of you would like to know what’s on sale I’d be happy to tell you. Let me just say that there is quite a deal on cup of noodles these days. I’d buy some while they still last if I were you.
Speaking of dating, let me tell you about my new plan. It’s spring time you know, that means love is in the air here at the B.Y. As I’ve renewed my determination to date more regularly, I’ve come up with a system to make my dating experience more effective (after all, aren’t we always striving to become more efficient) and enjoyable. Here’s the plan, pretend I see or meet a nice girl here on campus. My inclination is to ask her on a date right? Well, from now on, before I ask her out I’ll give her this survey to fill out. That should help in the weeding out process I should think. Or say somebody wants to set me up with their cousin, roommate, sister-in-law friend’s-mother’s-cousin’s-best friend, etc. I’ll just give them a survey to give to said person. Then when I get it back I’ll make my decision. Now realizing I can’t be too picky, I’ve decided to put 80% as the cutoff level.
Anything below and I’m afraid they miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime.
So, after hours and hours of collaboration with the best minds this
generation has to offer, this is what I’ve come up with. I must note that
these questions are indeed in order of importance.
Survey—Are You Qualified?
(the correct answer is in parenthesis)
1. Do you like the San Antonio Spurs? (yes)
2. Is Greg Maddux the greatest right-handed pitcher ever? (yes)
3. Would you enjoy going on a date with public transportation? (yes)
4. Do you want a huge wedding ring? (no)
5. Do you or have you ever studied in the periodical section of the library?
(no)
6. Do you want more than six pictures at your wedding? (no)
7a. Would you ever kiss anybody in a public setting? (no)
7b. Hold hands in public? (no)
7c. Hug in public? (no)
8. Do you watch the Bachelor, American Idol, or Simpsons? (no)
9. Do you consider S. Eliason to be one of the greatest musical geniuses of
all time? (yes)
10. Would you be offended if your date watched SportsCenter on a date? (no)
11. Do you hate the Yankees, Real Madrid, Chelsea FC, Patriots, and Kobe
Bryant? (yes)
12. Can you appreciate a finely stocked grocery aisle? (yes)
13. Can you tell me what aisle the tissues are on in the Spanish Fork
Maceys? (yes)
14. Would you be offended if we ate at Wendy’s on every other date? (no)
15. Is Robin Hood your favorite Disney movie of all time (Yes, although The
Lion King or Beauty and the Beast are also acceptable answers).
16. Have you ever seen My Fair Lady? (yes)
17. Do you periodically question the sanity of Stephen Frandsen? (yes)
18. Have you ever watched a folk dance performance? (yes)
19. Is it really easier to be a Utah Mormon in comparison to a Mormon
outside of Utah? (no)
20. Do you despise California and everything therewith associated, excepting
the sundry LDS temples there? (yes)
21. Do you know the last time the Cubs won the World Series? (yes)
22. Is Peyton Manning your favorite NFL player? (yes)
23. Do you mind if I spend five hours a day playing Madden Football or NBA
Live? (no)
24. Do you get annoyed when people yell on the telephone? (no)
Thank you for your time.
31 comments:
skinny_
good luck. remember, you're in provo. but again, you're IN provo.
skinny: how nice of stephen to post your survey. would like all of us who comment here to take it?
although we unfortunately already know the right answers (that's a confound kids)
unrelated: stephen, got bored today and awarded you the comment captain award. now i know you don't count comments, but you had 4 posts in february that broke 40 comments, with one of those in the 50+ arena. nice work. i dub thee, captain delirious!
Skinny-
i don't know but i sure feel like i do now; fortunately i already know that you hate me since i was bred californian. despite that, i think you'll like this little cartoon clip called ah lamour, its about one mans experience in the dating field. this clip is not for the faint of heart. I promise its clean -- if not you can reach me through Libby F. (soon to be Jones).
http://www.lovedungeon.net/movies/ahlamour.html
correction: I don't know you but i sure feel like i do.
my apologies
stephy_
skinny's moving in on your girl. unbelievable!
petey: i don't think you know skinny. he doesn't really ever do any moving. thus, it would be impossible for him to 'move in' on my girl.
skinny: if i know you (and i think i do) then you will just love to death natalies little movie. you most definitely love stuff like that. by all means, go check it out.
in order that i don't have to type in that ridiculous "word verification" more than once, i'll leave all my comments in one comment (sorry comment captain delirious)
stephen,
i was about to be flattered by your posting my electronic mailing on your blog, but then i thought you might be ridiculing me in some way so i'm not sure what i think. and i resent that comment about having to live with me. i'm the one that had to live with you.
petey,
thanks for the well wishes. i am in provo and i have yet to pass that threshold from date two to date three so i need all the luck i can get.
and stephen is right about me not ever moving anywhere so i think his girl is safe for now.
paul,
i only want you to take the survey if you're considering going on a date with me (no). or if you have anyone you want to set me up with you can print it off and give to them.
natalie,
i did in fact enjoy that little movie clip. although, in stephen's case, i don't even think money would work. the kid's just too ugly.
also, i'm not really sure why it's fortunate that i hate you, but i do offer my sympathies concerning your upbringing.
there, that's all i have to say about that.
skinny: i posted in your email with nothing but the highest regard.
paul,
i don't think you and skinny would make a good match.
time for a new post!
never......never.....
i'm thinking about giving this whole web logging thing up. it just ain't fun no more.
don't give up stevie. just take break till you feel it again
ryan i hate you.
dd i'm commenting.
stevey_
behind me back?!
sounds familiar, a little wee britain of you, mr f.
ryan_
never leave us!!
paul... any news??
Stevey: do not give up on the blog. I know I haven't been commenting as regularly, but I promise that I still love it...
Skinny: wow... we are not a good match, but it's ok because I do not live in Utah and I have no intention of living there again and since you don't move... well, that's really only the least of our incompatibilities. I think only answered half of those questions right. I think the survey might need some editing.
stay true skinny. the one you are looking for won't need any editing.
skinny:
compromise your morals: its the only way you will get anywhere in life.
stephen: take your own advice and buy flowers for girls
dd
dd-
how much persuassion power do perennials really possess?
petey-
plenty
dd-
you've re-inspired me to continue web logging my life away. i've never been so happy as when i saw your comment. stay tuned for a new post.
s_
dd_
thank you for bringing stephen back to his we blogging sense!!
even enough power to bybf? just say the words...
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